Thanksgiving Day, also known as “Load Up On Carbohydrates To Give Us Energy For Our Black Friday Extreme Shopping Experience” Day is quickly approaching. I think it is important that we remain true to the intent of this holiday. I’m not talking about making sure we watch a lot of football. I think at some point on Thursday, maybe during halftime of one of the games, we should each pause to give thanks. In order not to miss a moment of the gridiron action I have taken the liberty of making a list of the things that I am thankful for, which I plan to refer to during my several moments of reflection.
Things for which I am thankful:
The presidential election comes only once every four years.
Facebook gives me the ability to quantify my friends.
My job doesn’t involve fishing in the Bering Sea during the Alaskan king crab season.
I can say I have never seen Honey Boo Boo’s TV show.
Leisure suits went out of style in the 1970s.
I am able to stay on task with a project and never get ... oh, my gosh, I think there are cookies in the cabinet!
The test to get my driver’s license didn’t involve a shuttle run or rope climb.
I had a chance to experience many delightfully nutritious Twinkies over the years.
Bounty paper towels are still the “quicker picker upper.”
Benjamin Franklin’s idea to have the turkey as our national bird was rejected.
My dog loves me unconditionally.
I never danced the Macarena.
None of my sons took up playing the accordion.
I have a heated car seat.
We don’t actually need to use algebra in the real world.
I am one of the “nine out of seven” American males who is good at math.
Adults don’t get sent to their room if they do not finish all of their green vegetables.
Snooki and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino remain in the news on a daily basis.
I know the difference between a checking account and a Twitter account #Marksnodummy
It is not fashionable for Vermont men to wear kilts in the winter.
Fox News remains the place to turn for neutral, unbiased reporting.
I decided to bald gracefully and not embarrass myself with a Donald Trump-like comb over.
Attending opera remains optional in our society.
Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter and Karl Rove are all fictional characters.
Despite what my mother said the many times, I crossed my eyes as a child. they never got stuck that way.
I live in a country where I can deep fry anything I want in a vat of boiling fat and sell it at the fair.
I live in a state where I can pour maple syrup on snow, serve it with a pickle and a plain doughnut, and call it a delicacy.
I don’t have so much money that I can’t keep track of it.
I am so computer savvy that I know how to send an electronic mail letter to Mr. Google if I have a question.
Mitt Romney’s proposal to use government dependents for bobsleds at the 2002 Winter Games in Salt Lake City was rejected.
Someone thought to put expiration dates on dairy products.
Seriously though, I hope everyone enjoys the holiday, watches plenty of football and remembers to give thanks for all that they have. Now, please, pass the gravy.
Mark S. Albury lives in Northfield, thankfully.
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